Sunday, December 5, 2010

Talking Points for Christmas (Script)

Good evening I’m Phill O’Smiley and welcome to the No Spin Cycle Zone where pour extra detergent into the news.

Today congress announced its plans to push the Fairness in Toys act through. The president has made clear his intent to sign the bill when it comes to his desk, likely the last bill of this lame duck session.

Video Clip: (President) We have to pass the Fairness in Toys act for many, many reasons, specifically to make it more fair. Right now Santa Clause is clearly unfair, and the only means by which we can make him fair is to pass this bill. But we have to pass this bill so that we know what’s in it! The only reason not to pass this bill, even though we don’t know what’s in it is because the other party is making you afraid of this bill! Even though I’ve never read the bill I know that we shouldn’t be afraid of the bill!

O’Smiley: Talking Points has read the bill, all 3 million and 86 pages of it, and we even had our lawyers read it so that we could understand what the heck the bill was talking about. We still don’t understand what this bill says.

We know it will put an 80% tax on Santa Clause and will force all of his elves into a Union Contract. The Elves have made clear that they would prefer the North Pole to remain a right to work ice cap, but alas the administration seems to believe that there would be benefit to unionization.

Santa will also be made to allow TSA agents into his hanger to perform thorough pat downs of all the rein deer and of course on Santa himself. Santa is not well known for complaining but in an interview on the View he had this to say.

Santa: “I don’t mean to sound ungracious but I just don’t want the government to touch my toy!”

Joy & Whoopie then storm off the stage in disgust while the crowd cheers.

Additionally we know that the Fairness in Toys Act will impose upon Santa the mandate to give gifts to all children even if they don’t believe in him.

Beyond that the bill is a lot of gibberish that boils down to new taxes on the North Pole that will be used to pay for the administration’s expansion of Steam Town USA.

Talking Points feels that Santa Clause is very clearly being unfairly targeted by this administration and with little justification. It makes no sense to tax Santa at almost everything he makes, nor is it fair to force him to service children who don’t believe in him, we worry that if this bill passed, as an unintended consequence, the administration could shut down St Nick, and that certainly isn’t the best way to spread holiday cheer. We don’t think that the administration is really looking out for the folks. Its clear that this bill is feckless and will have dangerous consequences.

And that’s a memo…

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