Producer: JJ Abrams
Director: Tetsuya Nomura
Let’s do a Harry Potter re-boot… except people hate reboots, so we will call it a remake, and advertise it as a remake. But really, we’re going to do something completely different, but not tell the fans that we’re doing something completely different. And when the fans figure it out? No worries, we will have half our fans like whatever we do because it’s Harry Potter, even if it’s in name only, attack the fans who are upset viciously and relentlessly! It’ll be awesome! No one will know that people are upset because our Stans will shut them up!
So first we follow the story of the Sorcerer’s Store, but Harry is having nightmares of Voldemort taunting him just as he’s starting to develop his magic. At the Zoo, Harry let’s the snake out, but then it bites Dudley, and he dies. But no worries! Demontors arrive and bring him back to life! But the Dursley’s are mad, so they lock Harry away, and won’t let him out despite his being taunted by Voldemort.
Hagrid shows up to save him, but this time he looks like Slenderman because reasons… anyway but the dementors show up and stop him… cause it’s too soon, ya know?
Anyway, the owls try to deliver the invitations to Hogwarts, but the Dursley’s won’t let him have it. But then they change their mind and give Harry to Hagrid, because reasons. So then Harry meets the Weasleys at the train station, but the dementors stop them from meeting Herminoe too soon, but they meet her on the train anyway. And it turns out Everybody knows Harry… and Voldemort appears to tell Harry that it’s because he’s special. And Harry has a bunch of flash forwards. And Hermione seems to know more than she should too!
Then they arrive at Hogwarts, and get sorted into their house. Oh but there’s a new House, called house Chronos. And the leader of House Chronos doesn’t like Harry either and keeps trying to get Harry to race him on the brooms… and Harry also meets Luna Lovegood, who wants him… badly, and she won’t take no for an answer. She tries to kiss him, but the dementors show up and break her leg. But won’t the shippers go nuts? It’ll be great!
Anyway, Snape shows up and Harry doesn’t like him.
Then they do Qudditch, and Harry almost doesn’t win, but the Dementors show up and make sure he does. And he’s like, “what’s with all the demontors?” Then a troll shows up and says, “they’re trying to protect the timeline!” And Harry’s like, “whose messing with it?” And then Qurrell shows up and is like, “Ha ha! It was me all along!” But then the dementors take him away and Harry and his friends pretend like they didn’t hear him. But then Voldemort shows up and says that Harry has to beat destiny in a game of Wizard Chest to save the day.
So Hermione opens up a portal and the play Wizard Chess against fate, and win. But then Harry and his friends have to have a knock out, drag out massive fight with a fully formed Voldemort, and they win, but Voldemort says some ominous gibberish, absorbs fate and vanishes! Oooh! Scary!
Then we see glitter covering Hogwarts! And They find that Moaning Myrtle is alive! And so are Harry’s Parents, and everyone else who was dead! And everyone is happy, and Hermione ends up with Harry because the shippers want it!
Oh, and after the credits, we discover that Harry was in an insane asylum the whole time! Or is it an alternate reality Harry? Have to wait till part two to find out!!!
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